Soulful Healing

Last week, I started this three-part series on self-reflection.   I discussed some of the reasons taking the time to reflect on our thoughts, feelings, and actions can be helpful to our growth and development.   In today’s second installment on the reflective learning process, I’ll share my thoughts on strategies for turning your attention inward, as well as using that opportunity to strengthen your self-acceptance and reach your personal goals.

How to Self-Reflect
There are numerous ways to engage in self-reflection!  Potentially as many ways as there are people on this planet.  So when it comes to self-reflection, there really are no rules.  You can choose to reflect in a “stream of consciousness” approach, writing/drawing/recording whatever comes to mind.  You can also direct the process by answering questions about yourself.  Good questions to ask yourself when sitting down to self-reflect are:  What am I thinking?  What am I feeling? (yes, thoughts and feelings are different and I’ll be writing about that in a few weeks!)  What situations prompted these thoughts and feelings?  How did I respond?  Was my response consistent with who I want to be?  If the answer to that last question is a “yes”, great!  Give your yourself the credit you deserve.  If the answer is “no”, you may think of ways you might respond differently next time and decide when to implement that plan.  Remember through all of this that self-acceptance is key and sometimes it’s more important to rest than to do more self-improving.

Journaling
Writing in a journal is an excellent way of recording your thoughts, feelings, and actions throughout the day or week.  Why?  Because in order to write your thoughts in coherent sentences, you have to slow down and organize those thoughts.  This helps to get the mind out of its autopilot chatter and figure out exactly what you are thinking.  Recording your thoughts doesn’t have to be done in a traditional book of lined paper.  I have one journal for writing — well, several actually, as I’ve kept journals for years –and one that is more art and poetry oriented (more on that below!).  For the more techy types out there, there are numerous computer programs and websites that can help you keep an electronic journal.  I suggest doing a web search with the following keywords to get more info…  “free private online journal”  or “journal software”.

Artistic Expression
Engaging in something art-full is another way to express yourself and give some order to your thoughts and feelings.  As I mentioned above, I have a journal that I reserve for poetry and artwork (by “artwork”, I mean doodling!).  I have several half-formed poems that I’ve written in response to various life events, everything from restful winter holidays with my family to challenging career experiences.   Journals with unlined pages are available for these kinds of free-form artistic musings.  You can also use large pieces of paper, tiny little scraps, backs of receipts, sticky notes, crayons, markers, colored pencils, paints (tempera, watercolor, acrylic, oh my!), modeling clay, song-writing, singing, playing an instrument, dancing…  If the activity helps get your experiences out of the endless mind-chattering loop and brings you into a space where you can reflect, then it’s self-reflection.  Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy    I have also heard wonderful things about The Artist’s Way, a book and online community about the creative process.  While I’ve never read it myself, others have spoken highly of it.  And there are probably many more resources out there on this subject!

Therapy
You had to know this one was coming, right?  I mean, I am a mental health therapist, after all.  Participating in therapy is a great way to self-reflect and can get you past any stuck points you find in your thought process.  Sometimes our mind-chatter just won’t let things be, we beat ourselves up incessantly and can’t figure out how to stop, or we have self-destructive behavior patterns that don’t change despite our best efforts.  These are times when it may be good to seek out the guidance of a mental health clinician.  Unfortunately, there still exists a hefty amount of stigma around going to therapy.  I am on a personal and professional quest to let people know that going to therapy is not about being “crazy” and needing a “shrink”.  There is an ever-growing body of research on evidence-based practices that point to the effectiveness of goal-directed and structured therapy sessions that can help you overcome the barriers to your emotional and interpersonal goals.  For more information on my holistic mental health practice, visit my Specialties page.  To find a therapist in your area, visit my friend and colleague’s great search site, Therapy4Help.  You can also read more about questions to ask a potential therapist and therapy services in general at PsychCentral.

As with everything, balance is essential.  You don’t want to get too caught up in your own inner workings.  Next week, I’ll conclude this series with a discussion about when self-reflection becomes too much of a good thing.  Between now and then, have an inspired week!  Thanks for reading and be well!

I’m not talking about the kind of self-reflection you see in the mirror every morning     Self-reflection is really just about taking the time to reflect on you…  your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, your experiences.  Our minds are always working as we sort through all the things we experience each day.  We tend to focus most on our interactions with others; thinking, feeling, and doing in reaction to something someone else has said or done.  It is equally, if not more, important to spend time reflecting on our interactions with our Self.  Here is my first entry in a three-part series on why self-reflecting is good for the soul and how to achieve the most from whatever self-reflective practice you choose.

Why Reflect?
I like to think of self-reflection as an exercise in “taking inventory” on oneself.   If we don’t examine our own thoughts, feelings, motivations, and subsequent actions, how do we really know what’s true and what isn’t?  We encounter so many people, events, tasks, noises, demands, and stuff in every moment that if we are not careful, we start to think we are defined by all that extraneous “junk”.  Reflecting on these things helps us to:

1)  Remember who we really are
2) Figure out our priorities
3) Determine next steps to take or actions to stop taking
4) Identify our feelings to figure out which ones have important information for us and which are just reactions to old baggage
5)  Sort through our thoughts to determine which ones are helpful to our greater purpose and which ones aren’t
6)  Clear our minds for another day full of “stuff”

These six benefits of self-reflection are important to us in that they allow us to re-connect  to our deepest sense of well-being.  We can be reminded that we are not defined by the stressors and obligations and worries and overwhelming tasks that fill our days.  I’m not saying it’s easy to remember our bright shiny undamaged soul in the midst of a stress storm, but self-reflection can make it a little easier on you the next time a storm like that hits.

Stay tuned next week for strategies for self-reflection, in Part 2 of this series.  Thanks for reading and, as always, be well!

I used to be one of those “I can rest when I’m dead” type of people.  In my early twenties, I had a color-coded schedule that was filled with tasks & activities from the moment I woke up until I fell into bed each night.  I was so over-the-top that I harshly judged people who didn’t engage in the same level of activity as me.  It worked pretty well for me, to a point.  Since I never rested (and felt anxious when I did rest), my body had to create reasons for me to rest…  like frequent illnesses, headaches, and injuries.  And let’s face it, resting in that way is no fun.

This go, go, go attitude is rampant in our culture.   There’s the guy who has to zoom around me in traffic so he can get to the next stoplight faster, only to sit in his car right next to mine.   There is the harried “soccer mom” trucking her kids from school to ballet to soccer to tutoring to home.  As you read this, if you are recognizing your own non-stop activity level, I want to let you know there is a better way.  While I used to hate resting, like a child who is afraid to nap because she might miss something, I now find that some of my favorite moments are the ones when I get to just be.

Perhaps one of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that we all have limits.  Human time, energy, and experience is finite.  At the end of the day, we all need to rest and recharge our batteries for the next day.  If we don’t eat, we don’t have energy to get through the day.  If we don’t rest, we get irritable and confused at best and, at worst, our bodies and minds become broken down.  If you are someone who is always on the go, I know it is difficult to comprehend making the shift to someone who allows for rest.  You might even think that rest is for lazy people.  Or maybe you’ve tried choosing to rest, but only end up feeling antsy.  Have faith; there is hope!

In the end, I think choosing to rest yields the same balance of activity and down-time as does going non-stop all the time, only to be knocked down for a week by the latest flu virus.  Why not thoughtfully choose restful moments, so that you can actually enjoy them without the headaches, sniffles, and body aches?  Making small changes now means that you can choose incremental shifts here and there…  Maybe taking a 5 minutes a day to center yourself.  Or 30 minutes on your day off to go outside and appreciate nature.  Whatever you find restful, make an effort this week to set aside some small amount of time to allow yourself to be still.  Your mind and sense of obligation might resist at first, but you, your coworkers, and loved ones will eventually grow to appreciate the rested and peaceful version of you.

Deep breathing is key to gaining mastery of our thoughts and feelings.  Why?  Because breathing is one of those things we usually do automatically, like so many other activities we engage in.  There are so many things we simply do on auto-pilot.  From our morning routines, to getting our work done during the day, even to interacting with others…  auto-pilot, lack of awareness, same old same old…  Why would anyone want to bring breath and consciousness into these everyday activities?

1)  When fully aware of the present moment, you can let go of worries and regrets.  The present moment is all you really have.
2)  Deep breathing helps you release the tension you might not even know you’re holding in your body.
3)  Taking the time to breathe can help you appreciate every experience, whether challenging or effortless, for the lessons they teach.

So now that you’re thinking this deep breathing thing might be something worth trying, how to go about getting past the distractions that keep you from doing it?  Here are four things to remember as you delve into your own breath:

1)  Check to see how you currently breathe.  Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly.  Is your chest doing all the work as you breathe?  If so, you are probably a chest breather.
2)  Keeping one hand on your chest and one on your belly, try to relax your belly muscles and begin using them to inhale and exhale more deeply.
3)  As you inhale, allow your belly to expand.  As you exhale, use your belly to gently push the air out of your lungs.  This may feel very awkward at first!
4)  As you notice your thoughts and feelings and internal sensations, keep focused on breathing slowly & thoughtfully.  The mind is an excellent creator of distractions, so it may require a stronger effort initially to stay aware of your breath.

Like most things, the more you practice, the easier this deep breathing process will become.  Eventually, it may even become your new auto-pilot, bringing with it greater stillness and focus in every moment.

I’ve been wanting to write about this subject for a couple of weeks now.  It seems fitting that life has had plans for me other than writing over these last few weeks, since this topic delves into being “hard on yourself”.  Like so many, I find it challenging to balance all the things that I want to do with the things I must do.  And sometimes the word “should” becomes an ever-present part of my inner monologue.  So my last blog post was nearly two weeks ago and I got the opportunity to practice being okay with not writing during that time.

Being “hard on yourself” seems to be at epidemic proportions these days.  I talk to so many people every day who have mostly negative things to say about themselves.  This includes clients, colleagues, friends, and family.  We encounter numerous “shoulds” and “shouldn’t haves” throughout every day.  It’s a wonder any of us can function at all!  The funny thing about self-blame, even when you have truly made a mistake, is that it tends to paralyze us.  Or worse, make us more likely to do the things we are trying to avoid.  Adding to our already hefty stockpile of negative self-statements only serves to keep us stuck in the same old unhealthy patterns.  While mental health therapy often explores & seeks to correct these patterns, yoga does as well.

There are two branches of yoga that speak to the ways we treat ourselves and others:  the  yamas and niyamas.  In fact, these moral and ethical concepts are intended to be studied before one ever practices their first yoga pose.  Yamas are universal guidelines for interacting with others and are sometimes referred to as the “Don’ts” of yoga, while the niyamas govern how we interact with ourselves and are seen as the “Do’s”.  There are five of each, according to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, and they remind us to think, speak, and behave in ways consistent with our Highest Self.  One yama that prompts us to be kind to ourselves and others is ahimsa, or non-violence.  You might initially think of non-violence in terms of behavior, but like so many aspects of yoga, it is a concept that also extends to our more subtle sides.  We can be violent (or non-violent) in our thoughts and words, as well.  Self-blame is one such form of subtle violence toward the Self.

Self-blame is a common contributor to feelings of excessive worry and sadness, two emotions that walk hand-in-hand…  Worry may make us put more pressure on ourselves, then when that pressure can’t be sustained, we may feel overwhelmed and begin to isolate ourselves, leading to sadness & loneliness.  I see the opposite of self-blame as self-acceptance.  Opening your arms wide to embrace all your fears and foibles.  What have you said or done this week that you are “beating yourself up” for?  Try taking a more compassionate approach to your Self.  Identify whether your negative judgment of your Self is accurate or inaccurate.  If accurate, think about how you might correct the mistake or do things differently in the future.  If inaccurate, identify a self-honoring statement to replace the negative.  And remember, just because a thought is accurate does not mean it is helpful to you.  In the case of an accurate, but unhelpful judgment, consider adjusting your thoughts to ones that promote self-compassion.  This will undoubtedly advance your self-growth far more than any self-blame ever could.

Stay mindful and be well!

For this week’s blog entry, I invite you to view my guest post on yoga and emotional balance at the Breathing in This Life blog by Ginger Garner.   She is the founder of Professional Yoga Therapy™, which is the oldest program for medical yoga therapy in the U.S. and the program with which I’m studying.  Enjoy!!

We often hear the phrase “time out” in reference to the well-known parenting technique.  But here, I’d like to explore the use of time out for ourselves.  In the midst of our busy lives, we go from task to thought to conversation to activity…  lather, rinse, repeat.  This leaves us with little time to reflect on our experiences.  And aren’t we grateful for that much of the time?  Keeping ourselves busy can in fact serve some short-term purposes, such as avoiding attending to the  constant chatter in our minds, dealing with unpleasant feelings, or even simply staying entertained.  Yet we humans are not the best judges of what will make us feel truly better in the long term (I confess that I had the TV on when I first started to write this, but had to turn it off because it was distracting me!).  Our first instinct is often to cover over the challenging stuff, hoping that it will go away if we ignore it long enough.  Not so.

We are so used to perpetual distraction that when we sit down and get quiet, the noise inside the mind is deafening and completely overwhelming.  It’s enough to scare you right back into the land of incessant movement!!  I often hear people say, “But I can’t sit still/meditate/do yoga because it makes me feel more anxious.”  That statement resonates with many people’s experiences in beginning a contemplative practice, including my own.  Taking time out for yourself can be challenging at first, especially if you are accustomed to the constant twirling & spinning of modern life.  Our culture says more is better and we often unwittingly buy in to that notion.  But as you gain skill and experience in tolerating, accepting, and letting go of your bustling and buzzing, it does get easier.  And at some point in that journey, you find the calm, quiet center of your Soul.  Like any skill, it takes time to develop.

Let me be clear, I am not recommending that you leave your life and responsibilities to go live in a hillside monastery (oh, but that idea is tempting sometimes, right?!).  Quite the opposite in fact, I believe there is so much for all of us to gain by taking some time out and then continuing with our daily tasks more in touch with our bright, shiny Soul.   This could be five minutes of stillness in the middle of a busy day, writing your intentions for the day or week in a journal, taking time to pray, or observing and mentally describing your thoughts and sensations during a typical daily task.  Anything that prompts you to reflect on your Self and your surroundings can be considered a contemplative practice and will guide you in knowing your Self more deeply.  Years ago, I participated in AmeriCorps and from that I have my first conscious memory of being taught how reflection is key to learning & growing.  When we do not take time to reflect, we risk doing things the way we’ve always done them, effective or not.

If you are just beginning your journey into self-contemplation and have been discouraged by the crushing chatter of your own mind, fear not.  Stick with it, as the only way to grow is to keep at it.  Our children are not the only ones that benefit from a time out now and then!  Give yourself a chance to turn your attention inside for a moment and reflect on what you find there.  You will no doubt wade into all kinds of wild and interesting things inside that mind of yours.  Shine a loving light among the darkness and the cobwebs.  You just might stumble upon a real treasure.