Soulful Healing

I’ve been on a communication kick lately…  In both my professional and personal worlds, I’ve been observing what makes an interaction between people go smoothly and what makes those inevitable snags become waaaay bigger than necessary.  One of the most daunting challenges in communication is telling the difference between your thoughts and feelings, then sharing those with important others.  I truly believe that being aware of our thoughts and feelings is essential to effective communication, so I thought I’d go a little deeper into communication this week.  As you already know from your own experiences, communication is a tricky endeavor…  Being mindful of our own stuff, determining what is being asked of us, working through our automatic responses, and then stringing all these feeling-thought-ideas together in a cohesive sentence is difficult work!  In my experience, good communication requires that we S–L–O–W our internal reactions long enough to sort through everything.  We need to first create time-space between the internal reaction and the external response, then we are able to practice making our external responses match those of our highest Self.

This allowing for time and space in between urge and action is not easy.  First of all, feelings and psychological processes are powerful stuff…  The mind can either be a safe harbor for peaceful contentment or a mine-field of self-derision and negativity, as well as everything in between.  Our default way of responding to the world can be learned from our culture, our circumstances, and our families.  It can also be linked to our own genetic and neurological make-up.  Whatever the source of your automatic responses, the idea is to shift from automatic to conscious.  Often this process requires the help of a guide, whether that person is a friend, mentor, spiritual leader, shaman, therapist, or psychiatrist.  Regardless of your chosen guide, becoming more aware of your own internal process and communicating with others more effectively is a completely achievable goal.  As with so many things, it takes commitment and active practice.

One communication strategy that I and many therapist-types will share with others looks like this:   I feel ____________ when ____________.  You may hear this referred to as an “I statement,” because the idea is to get away from making assumptions about others in favor of discussing only your own feelings and observations.  The simplicity of this statement is deceiving.  This is because, again, you have to know what you feel before you let all the other junk racing through your mind just pour out.  Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method, adds another step to this statement, encouraging the speaker to identify what needs/wants trigger the feelings being expressed.  I really like this extended “I statement” because I believe it helps the speaker focus in on their own needs and how those needs create emotional responses.  So instead of saying, “It hurts my feelings when you don’t want to spend time with me!!” one might instead say, “I felt hurt when you said you have other plans, because I need to know that my interests are important to you.”  Yes, I know, this latter statement is longer and perhaps more tedious.  But this longer, more conscientious statement makes it easier for the listener to truly hear the speaker.  So instead of the defensive response, “Oh, get over yourself, you’re just being sensitive!” the listener will hopefully access her/his own compassionate nature and offer an empathetic response.  This is probably because “you don’t want to spend time with me!” sounds like a judgment at best and an attack at worst.  The NVC-inspired statement is simply an expression of the speaker’s emotions and thought process.  It’s the ultimate in honestly expressing what’s going on inside, without accidentally (or on purpose) attacking others.

If you are intrigued by this brief glimpse into the possibilities of Nonviolent Communication, here are some links:
– Center for Nonviolent Communication
– Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Book)
– Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook

Last week, I started this three-part series on self-reflection.   I discussed some of the reasons taking the time to reflect on our thoughts, feelings, and actions can be helpful to our growth and development.   In today’s second installment on the reflective learning process, I’ll share my thoughts on strategies for turning your attention inward, as well as using that opportunity to strengthen your self-acceptance and reach your personal goals.

How to Self-Reflect
There are numerous ways to engage in self-reflection!  Potentially as many ways as there are people on this planet.  So when it comes to self-reflection, there really are no rules.  You can choose to reflect in a “stream of consciousness” approach, writing/drawing/recording whatever comes to mind.  You can also direct the process by answering questions about yourself.  Good questions to ask yourself when sitting down to self-reflect are:  What am I thinking?  What am I feeling? (yes, thoughts and feelings are different and I’ll be writing about that in a few weeks!)  What situations prompted these thoughts and feelings?  How did I respond?  Was my response consistent with who I want to be?  If the answer to that last question is a “yes”, great!  Give your yourself the credit you deserve.  If the answer is “no”, you may think of ways you might respond differently next time and decide when to implement that plan.  Remember through all of this that self-acceptance is key and sometimes it’s more important to rest than to do more self-improving.

Journaling
Writing in a journal is an excellent way of recording your thoughts, feelings, and actions throughout the day or week.  Why?  Because in order to write your thoughts in coherent sentences, you have to slow down and organize those thoughts.  This helps to get the mind out of its autopilot chatter and figure out exactly what you are thinking.  Recording your thoughts doesn’t have to be done in a traditional book of lined paper.  I have one journal for writing — well, several actually, as I’ve kept journals for years –and one that is more art and poetry oriented (more on that below!).  For the more techy types out there, there are numerous computer programs and websites that can help you keep an electronic journal.  I suggest doing a web search with the following keywords to get more info…  “free private online journal”  or “journal software”.

Artistic Expression
Engaging in something art-full is another way to express yourself and give some order to your thoughts and feelings.  As I mentioned above, I have a journal that I reserve for poetry and artwork (by “artwork”, I mean doodling!).  I have several half-formed poems that I’ve written in response to various life events, everything from restful winter holidays with my family to challenging career experiences.   Journals with unlined pages are available for these kinds of free-form artistic musings.  You can also use large pieces of paper, tiny little scraps, backs of receipts, sticky notes, crayons, markers, colored pencils, paints (tempera, watercolor, acrylic, oh my!), modeling clay, song-writing, singing, playing an instrument, dancing…  If the activity helps get your experiences out of the endless mind-chattering loop and brings you into a space where you can reflect, then it’s self-reflection.  Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy    I have also heard wonderful things about The Artist’s Way, a book and online community about the creative process.  While I’ve never read it myself, others have spoken highly of it.  And there are probably many more resources out there on this subject!

Therapy
You had to know this one was coming, right?  I mean, I am a mental health therapist, after all.  Participating in therapy is a great way to self-reflect and can get you past any stuck points you find in your thought process.  Sometimes our mind-chatter just won’t let things be, we beat ourselves up incessantly and can’t figure out how to stop, or we have self-destructive behavior patterns that don’t change despite our best efforts.  These are times when it may be good to seek out the guidance of a mental health clinician.  Unfortunately, there still exists a hefty amount of stigma around going to therapy.  I am on a personal and professional quest to let people know that going to therapy is not about being “crazy” and needing a “shrink”.  There is an ever-growing body of research on evidence-based practices that point to the effectiveness of goal-directed and structured therapy sessions that can help you overcome the barriers to your emotional and interpersonal goals.  For more information on my holistic mental health practice, visit my Specialties page.  To find a therapist in your area, visit my friend and colleague’s great search site, Therapy4Help.  You can also read more about questions to ask a potential therapist and therapy services in general at PsychCentral.

As with everything, balance is essential.  You don’t want to get too caught up in your own inner workings.  Next week, I’ll conclude this series with a discussion about when self-reflection becomes too much of a good thing.  Between now and then, have an inspired week!  Thanks for reading and be well!

For this week’s blog entry, I invite you to view my guest post on yoga and emotional balance at the Breathing in This Life blog by Ginger Garner.   She is the founder of Professional Yoga Therapy™, which is the oldest program for medical yoga therapy in the U.S. and the program with which I’m studying.  Enjoy!!

Mantras are a wonderful way to keep your mind focused on your goals, whether they be short-term or long-term in nature.  They can take the form of a sound, word, or phrase.   They can be repeated to yourself as thoughts, spoken, written down, or even expressed as a song.  This can be a word or phrase in one’s own language, something that speaks especially to you and your needs, or it could be drawn from the numerous languages & traditions from which the use of mantras originated.   Spiritually speaking, mantras are thought to bring the practitioner a greater connection to Soul/Self/Spirit/God/Truth.  Emotionally speaking, mantras are also a great way to keep your thoughts & feelings organized, as well as focus on what you want from a particular experience.

The field of Western mental health has long used mantras.  Just to give you an example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy* uses an intervention called thought replacement:  Identifying unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with helpful ones.  A mantra can help you do just that, take an ineffective thought pattern and replace it with something more effective.  Our minds are filled with so much chatter!  Identifying some of our most unhelpful thoughts and replacing those with a mantra can be soothing and uplifting.  Left to its own devices, the mind can race out of control…  To-do lists, rehearsing conversations that may never happen, replaying conversations of little import, thinking about what you’ll eat for lunch, remembering fun things, remembering painful things, gab, gab, gab.  Any of that sound familiar?!  I thought so.

When we use a mantra, we pull the mind back from its wandering and give it something useful to chew on.  It’s a reminder, “This is what I’d like to focus on right now.”  It’s kind of like correcting a wayward puppy…  “No no, don’t chew on that!  Have this fun squeaky toy instead!”  But in this case, the mantra (aka “fun squeaky toy”) is more than your garden variety distraction.  Things like TV, food, alcohol, gossip, and other forms of entertainment just cover over the mind-chatter.  A mantra replaces the chatter with something empowering.  Plus, chattering to yourself all day really takes a lot of energy.  Every time you try to focus on something, the mind sets in with the chatter and there goes another 15 minutes when you could have been checking an item off that to-do list.

At this point, you may be interested in identifying a mantra for yourself.  As I noted above, mantras come in many forms.  Prayer, poem, song, affirmation, intention, goal.  Is there a particular goal you have for yourself?  A poem that speaks to you?  Song lyrics that inspire you?  A verse from a spiritual book that brings you peace?  Comforting words you would like to tell yourself?  There are many ways to create your own personal mantra!  Create something simple for yourself, that you can either memorize or keep in written form in your home or workplace as a gentle reminder.  Then, the next time your mind wanders off into chatter mode, you can coax it back to your higher goals with your new mantra.  Enjoy!

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* This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any mental health condition.  Please contact a qualified mental health professional before starting, stopping, or changing any mental health treatment.

I got pulled over by a police officer on Monday for engaging in a classic SoCal activity…  The California Stop.   I was so caught up in my thoughts (about life, work, what I was going to have for lunch) that when I saw the flashing lights behind me, I had no idea why I was being pulled over.   I thought maybe I’d been driving too fast, but I was only going 32 in a 35 zone.   Not too slow, not too fast.  This left me completely confused.  Since I haven’t been pulled over since probably 1996, it was pretty nerve-racking.  Heart pounding.  Hands shaking.  Shallow breathing.  Because we were on a narrow road, the officer asked me over his loudspeaker to make the nearest right turn.   More heart pounding.   Once we were safely pulled over, the officer approached and just voluntarily told me what he’d pulled me over for.   I’m glad he didn’t ask.   I would’ve failed that quiz.

I was genuinely shocked when the officer explained.  Again, I was so consumed in my own internal world that I couldn’t even remember having traveled through the stop sign.  Does that ever happen to you?  Somehow you get on auto-pilot and can’t remember several minutes of drive time.  It’s more than a little concerning when you realize that we’re not paying attention as we hurl our bodies forward at high speeds in metal contraptions.  It’s a recipe for disaster.  And I won’t even get into the phenomena of cell phone talking & texting while driving.

So now I have a ticket (my first one EVER) that I have to pay.  I won’t fight it because I know I wasn’t paying attention and I’m sure the officer is correct in his observation of my rolling stop.  Even though I’m normally a careful driver, I’ve rolled through many a stop sign in my life.  Getting a ticket for this was only a matter of time.   Needless to say, this experience was a great reminder for me to slow down and pay attention.  It is so easy to get distracted by all the tasks on our to-do lists, that we just put ourselves on auto-pilot, whether while driving or working or interacting with others.  Since Monday, I’ve rededicated myself to mindful driving.  It’s a challenge, this breathing and planning ahead and making full, complete stops at all the stop signs.

Really, that’s all mindfulness is.  Slowing down.  Attending to our surroundings.  Breathing.  Noticing.  Actively choosing what to do next.  The next time you find yourself about to roll through a stop sign or do seven things at once or interrupt someone because you weren’t really listening in the first place, I invite you to slow down and bring some careful attention to your choices.  Take a moment to pause and breathe, bringing your full consciousness to your next action.  I know it’s a challenge and that just when you think you’re doing well, something happens to remind you of the importance of really paying attention. But who are we if we allow our auto-pilot to make all our decisions for us?

I went to sing kirtan with a friend recently at Yoga Desa in Topanga Canyon.  Led by teachers from the Art of Living Foundation, this experience of singing/chanting along with a few dozen other people reminded me how good it feels to connect with myself and a community of like-minded people.  Kirtan is something I’ve only experienced a few times, yet each time I have walked away feeling calm, joyful, and grounded.  Music in general is a wonderful way to get connected (whether kirtan, hymn, classical, pop, jazz, bluegrass…).  It brings us back from all the journeys our minds take every day.  Back to the present moment.  Back to our feelings.  Back to our deeper meaning.  Whether instrumental or lyrical, music can help to release emotions, create relaxation, inspire, rebuild, uplift.

This last time, I was particularly moved by our leaders’ reminder to “sing with the innocence of a child”.  We spend so much time thinking about how we are being perceived that we forget to just sing/speak/share from that shiny, unbroken part of our Self.  When all alone in the car or the shower, we might actually allow ourselves to sing out.  But the second we realize someone is watching…  slam!… we shut ourselves back down.  This literal description of how we silence ourselves and each other also carries figurative meaning.  Granted, some of our destructive characteristics may need silencing, but certainly we have many gifts we do not share with the world due to that ugliest of four-letter-words:  fear.

While fear is a subject for another blog, this did set me to thinking about other ways we might use Soul-connecting practices to counteract fear.  Musical experience (whether you prefer to sing or listen) is one way to remember who we really are underneath all the noise and confusion of our daily lives.  Physical exercise, knitting groups, walking clubs, sewing circles, prayer, meditation, laughing with your children, sharing a meal with friends…  I suppose the list really is endless!  Is it possible to take a moment each day to reconnect with either yourself, a friend, or family member? There are so many demands on our time each day, it’s easy to take ourselves and one another for granted.  I invite you this week to slow down and take a moment to reconnect.  You’ll be glad you did!

Welcome to Soulful Healing, the website and blog of Amber Keating, LCSW & PYT-C.  My goal in creating this blog and website is to share with you my passion for helping people heal themselves.  I’ll be posting regularly here on topics relevant to emotional health, spiritual growth, and having healthy relationships (with yourself and others!).  Feel free to browse through this site, leave a comment, or contact me.  Thanks for visiting and have a wonderful day!