How Self-Reflection Improves Your Well-Being, Part 3

Posted in Anxiety, mental health, mindfulness on 08/18/2010 by Amber

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been working on this three-part series on self-reflection.  In Self-Reflection, Part 1, I go over the various benefits of engaging in a self-reflective practice.  In Self-Reflection, Part 2, I share some ideas for bringing more reflective experiences into your life.  Here, in the third and final installment, I’d like to discuss some of the signs that one might be doing too much self-reflection.  It’s all about balance, as we are forever dancing between seemingly opposing concepts.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Like so many helpful practices we can use to further our personal growth, self-reflection has many benefits.  There does come a time, though, when it may be too much.  Remember the myth of Narcissus?  He fell in love with his own reflection and wasted away.  This kind of self-obsession is possible for us, with the symbolic shriveling of our other relationships.  Remember in all of this that your relationship with yourself is not the only relationship you have.  Relationships must be nurtured in order to thrive.  Be careful to balance your self-relationship with those social connections that help you to be a whole person, giving to each relationship what it needs to be sustained.

When utilizing self-reflection as a strategy for personal development, an important distinction to make is between the little “s” self and the big “S” Self.  By little “s” self, I mean the ego, while the big “S” Self represents the Soul. The ego is a tricky character.  Its voice can be whiny and entitled and demanding.  The ego wants what it wants and wants it NOW!  And when the ego’s demands on the rest of your psyche don’t work, it can resort subtle, insidious messages of maintaining the status quo.  It can be challenging to differentiate the voice of the ego from the other aspects of your Self.  Usually, the ego wants anything that is immediately pleasurable and rejects that which requires any effort to achieve.  So as you embark on your chosen self-reflective practices, watch out for a few ego reactions, such as tantrum-like thoughts & emotions, as well as prideful, entitled ones.  The ego may try to trick you into self-obsession, as well.  Anything to keep things exactly as they are!  But the whole idea of self-reflection is to grow and learn, not maintain the status quo, right?

Soulful Self-Reflection

Obsessing over your thoughts, feelings, and actions will not be helpful for you or anyone else in your life.  The idea behind soulful self-reflection is to set aside a specific time to make your observations, then let… them… go…  Release your judgments, worries, and plans over the things you have noticed and allow your Soul to do the rest.  There is so very much about your experience that your mind cannot figure out.  This is where the Soul/Source/God/Higher Power/Great Spirit/I AM comes in.  Trust that just engaging in the process of reflection has done what it is supposed to do:  slow you down, clear out the clutter, and make room in your psyche for your Soul to do its mysterious work.  There’s a reason why some of the best advice we can get is to “sleep on it”.

If you do the best work you can do on the conscious level to sort through the gobbledy-gook of your thoughts and feelings, well, that just needs to be good enough, doesn’t it?  The rest can be sorted out on deeper levels that take time and mystery and the willingness to embrace the unknowable.  And I am certain that there is a hefty part of all of us that is not fully knowable by anyone, at least not by the small percentage of our brains that we are typically using.  A good friend of mine once told me (and I have since shared this with many more friends and colleagues), “Some things you can’t know until you know them.”  Have faith, dear ones.  I believe you will one day have the answers you are looking for.  As for the questions that can’t be answered…  I hope you will learn to trust your Soul.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with a quote that gives me encouragement when my mind is working overtime to understand the magical mystery of this life.  Thanks for reading and enjoy…

“…have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~~ Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, in Letters to a Young Poet

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Turn Chores into Mindfulness Opportunities

Posted in Attention, Mindful Mondays, mindfulness on 08/16/2010 by Amber

Today’s Mindful Monday post is coming up a little later than usual…  I decided to spend most of my Sunday resting.  I was on overload from a busy week of blogging and business networking.   When the exhaustion really set in on Friday morning, I decided that I needed to walk my talk and institute some down time.  So today’s blog is getting written on Monday evening, instead of Sunday evening :)

In a guest blog I wrote last week, I talked about how serenity can be found in things we otherwise might label as “mundane”, like our daily and weekly chores.  This inspired me to do a Mindful Mondays post about how to really dive in to the present moment of things we usually try not to focus on too much.  To try this mindfulness tip, pick a chore you need to do this week.  Maybe it’s laundry or washing dishes or mowing the lawn or whatever…  Pick one and join me in the following:

1)  Bring your full attention to the task at hand.  As you begin the task, take note of your five senses.  What do you hear/see/smell/touch/taste?  Observe these senses and describe them to yourself.

2)  Notice your breath.  As you continue with your task, blend your breath with your movement.  If you are washing dishes, for example, breathe in for a certain number of scrubs and then exhale to an equal or greater number of scrubs.  This can be applied to any chore…  Vacuum forward, inhale, vacuum backward, exhale…  Lift laundry out of the washer, inhale, place in dryer, exhale…  Be creative!

3)  Observe how this combination of breathing and movement affects your thoughts and feelings.  Are you able to stay with the present moment and the activity?  How often do your thoughts wander?  What are you feeling?

4)  Remember that above all, this is an exercise in non-judgment.  Mindfulness asks us to simply notice, without passing positive or negative judgment.  I know, easier said than done, but it gets much easier with practice!

In a new community building twist, I’ll post this topic up in the Discussion board on the Soulful Healing page on Facebook.  There, I invite you to discuss whether you tried this mindfulness exercise and your reactions to it.  Thanks for reading and be well!

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Soulful Serenity

Posted in Self Care on 08/13/2010 by Amber

Hi all!  What’s that?  You’re surprised I’m posting a third blog this week?  I know, me too!  This one, though, is a guest blog for the Serenity Week over at Everyday Bliss, by Kathy Sprinkle.  Be sure to check out her other posts on the 13 virtues of Bliss.  Happy Friday!

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How Self-Reflection Improves Your Well-Being, Part 2

Posted in Anxiety, Attention, Depression, General, Self Care, mental health on 08/12/2010 by Amber

Last week, I started this three-part series on self-reflection.   I discussed some of the reasons taking the time to reflect on our thoughts, feelings, and actions can be helpful to our growth and development.   In today’s second installment on the reflective learning process, I’ll share my thoughts on strategies for turning your attention inward, as well as using that opportunity to strengthen your self-acceptance and reach your personal goals.

How to Self-Reflect
There are numerous ways to engage in self-reflection!  Potentially as many ways as there are people on this planet.  So when it comes to self-reflection, there really are no rules.  You can choose to reflect in a “stream of consciousness” approach, writing/drawing/recording whatever comes to mind.  You can also direct the process by answering questions about yourself.  Good questions to ask yourself when sitting down to self-reflect are:  What am I thinking?  What am I feeling? (yes, thoughts and feelings are different and I’ll be writing about that in a few weeks!)  What situations prompted these thoughts and feelings?  How did I respond?  Was my response consistent with who I want to be?  If the answer to that last question is a “yes”, great!  Give your yourself the credit you deserve.  If the answer is “no”, you may think of ways you might respond differently next time and decide when to implement that plan.  Remember through all of this that self-acceptance is key and sometimes it’s more important to rest than to do more self-improving.

Journaling
Writing in a journal is an excellent way of recording your thoughts, feelings, and actions throughout the day or week.  Why?  Because in order to write your thoughts in coherent sentences, you have to slow down and organize those thoughts.  This helps to get the mind out of its autopilot chatter and figure out exactly what you are thinking.  Recording your thoughts doesn’t have to be done in a traditional book of lined paper.  I have one journal for writing — well, several actually, as I’ve kept journals for years –and one that is more art and poetry oriented (more on that below!).  For the more techy types out there, there are numerous computer programs and websites that can help you keep an electronic journal.  I suggest doing a web search with the following keywords to get more info…  “free private online journal”  or “journal software”.

Artistic Expression
Engaging in something art-full is another way to express yourself and give some order to your thoughts and feelings.  As I mentioned above, I have a journal that I reserve for poetry and artwork (by “artwork”, I mean doodling!).  I have several half-formed poems that I’ve written in response to various life events, everything from restful winter holidays with my family to challenging career experiences.   Journals with unlined pages are available for these kinds of free-form artistic musings.  You can also use large pieces of paper, tiny little scraps, backs of receipts, sticky notes, crayons, markers, colored pencils, paints (tempera, watercolor, acrylic, oh my!), modeling clay, song-writing, singing, playing an instrument, dancing…  If the activity helps get your experiences out of the endless mind-chattering loop and brings you into a space where you can reflect, then it’s self-reflection.  Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy  :)   I have also heard wonderful things about The Artist’s Way, a book and online community about the creative process.  While I’ve never read it myself, others have spoken highly of it.  And there are probably many more resources out there on this subject!

Therapy
You had to know this one was coming, right?  I mean, I am a mental health therapist, after all.  Participating in therapy is a great way to self-reflect and can get you past any stuck points you find in your thought process.  Sometimes our mind-chatter just won’t let things be, we beat ourselves up incessantly and can’t figure out how to stop, or we have self-destructive behavior patterns that don’t change despite our best efforts.  These are times when it may be good to seek out the guidance of a mental health clinician.  Unfortunately, there still exists a hefty amount of stigma around going to therapy.  I am on a personal and professional quest to let people know that going to therapy is not about being “crazy” and needing a “shrink”.  There is an ever-growing body of research on evidence-based practices that point to the effectiveness of goal-directed and structured therapy sessions that can help you overcome the barriers to your emotional and interpersonal goals.  For more information on my holistic mental health practice, visit my Specialties page.  To find a therapist in your area, visit my friend and colleague’s great search site, Therapy4Help.  You can also read more about questions to ask a potential therapist and therapy services in general at PsychCentral.

As with everything, balance is essential.  You don’t want to get too caught up in your own inner workings.  Next week, I’ll conclude this series with a discussion about when self-reflection becomes too much of a good thing.  Between now and then, have an inspired week!  Thanks for reading and be well!

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The Mindful Way to Fidget

Posted in Anxiety, Attention, Mindful Mondays, mindfulness on 08/09/2010 by Amber

Do you ever notice yourself mindlessly fidgeting with things during the day?  Maybe twirling your hair, running a finger along an object, tapping a pencil?  These are perfect opportunities to add some mindfulness to your day.  Here’s how to take advantage of the random fidgeting:

1)  First, notice that you are fidgeting with something.  Simply note this without judgment (if judgment arises, “Sheesh, there I go again…” work on releasing that thought)
2)  Exhale fully and inhale deeply, noticing the thoughts, feelings, and sensations accompanying your behavior and current situation
3)  Continue the whatever movement you just noticed yourself engaging in, but with your full attention and awareness.  If you are running your thumb on a shirt button, for example, describe to yourself everything you can notice about the button.  Is it hot or cold?  Does it have a texture?  Are there threads running through it? 
4)  Enjoy your now mindful moment!

Of course, this exercise is not beneficial in all situations.  I might not recommend this in the middle of an important meeting or while driving on the highway, as your attention will be on your pencil/button/necklace and not on the tasks at hand.  However, if you find a moment where it makes sense to practice this, feel free!  Thanks for reading and be well!

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How Self-Reflection Improves Your Well-Being, Part 1

Posted in Anxiety, Attention, Self Care, mindfulness on 08/04/2010 by Amber

I’m not talking about the kind of self-reflection you see in the mirror every morning ;)     Self-reflection is really just about taking the time to reflect on you…  your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, your experiences.  Our minds are always working as we sort through all the things we experience each day.  We tend to focus most on our interactions with others; thinking, feeling, and doing in reaction to something someone else has said or done.  It is equally, if not more, important to spend time reflecting on our interactions with our Self.  Here is my first entry in a three-part series on why self-reflecting is good for the soul and how to achieve the most from whatever self-reflective practice you choose.

Why Reflect?
I like to think of self-reflection as an exercise in “taking inventory” on oneself.   If we don’t examine our own thoughts, feelings, motivations, and subsequent actions, how do we really know what’s true and what isn’t?  We encounter so many people, events, tasks, noises, demands, and stuff in every moment that if we are not careful, we start to think we are defined by all that extraneous “junk”.  Reflecting on these things helps us to:

1)  Remember who we really are
2) Figure out our priorities
3) Determine next steps to take or actions to stop taking
4) Identify our feelings to figure out which ones have important information for us and which are just reactions to old baggage
5)  Sort through our thoughts to determine which ones are helpful to our greater purpose and which ones aren’t
6)  Clear our minds for another day full of “stuff”

These six benefits of self-reflection are important to us in that they allow us to re-connect  to our deepest sense of well-being.  We can be reminded that we are not defined by the stressors and obligations and worries and overwhelming tasks that fill our days.  I’m not saying it’s easy to remember our bright shiny undamaged soul in the midst of a stress storm, but self-reflection can make it a little easier on you the next time a storm like that hits.

Stay tuned next week for strategies for self-reflection, in Part 2 of this series.  Thanks for reading and, as always, be well!

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Use Traffic to Your Benefit

Posted in Anxiety, Mindful Mondays on 07/26/2010 by Amber

No, really, I mean it…  You can use traffic to your benefit!  Whether you live in a large urban area or a town with a slower pace, it is possible to use mindfulness while dealing with traffic.  This idea is an expansion of one given to me by first yoga teacher, 12 years ago.  I wish I could remember her name, so that I could give her credit!  She was teaching a class at my college and she was fond of telling her students that when we encounter a stoplight, we had a choice:  1)  Use it as an opportunity to breathe and be mindful or 2) Get frustrated and anxious about the obstacle placed in front of us.  She would encourage us to choose the first option.

So next time you are faced with an inconvenient stoplight or massive amounts of traffic, try the following:
1)  Notice the automatic chain of thoughts and feelings about this traffic obstacle
2)  Draw your focus to your breath and begin to breath more fully and slowly
3)  Use your slower, mindful breathing to relax the muscles of your face, neck, shoulders, and belly.
4)  See if you can shift your thoughts…  For example, with a stoplight, perhaps say to yourself, “This is my reminder to slow down and pause today.”  Or on the crowded highway during your morning commute, “These people don’t want to be here any more than I do, I choose to have compassion for the other people on this highway today.”

As you practice, you may find yourself smiling at stoplights instead of grumbling.  Have a soulful day!

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Make Rest a Priority

Posted in Self Care on 07/22/2010 by Amber

I used to be one of those “I can rest when I’m dead” type of people.  In my early twenties, I had a color-coded schedule that was filled with tasks & activities from the moment I woke up until I fell into bed each night.  I was so over-the-top that I harshly judged people who didn’t engage in the same level of activity as me.  It worked pretty well for me, to a point.  Since I never rested (and felt anxious when I did rest), my body had to create reasons for me to rest…  like frequent illnesses, headaches, and injuries.  And let’s face it, resting in that way is no fun.

This go, go, go attitude is rampant in our culture.   There’s the guy who has to zoom around me in traffic so he can get to the next stoplight faster, only to sit in his car right next to mine.   There is the harried “soccer mom” trucking her kids from school to ballet to soccer to tutoring to home.  As you read this, if you are recognizing your own non-stop activity level, I want to let you know there is a better way.  While I used to hate resting, like a child who is afraid to nap because she might miss something, I now find that some of my favorite moments are the ones when I get to just be.

Perhaps one of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that we all have limits.  Human time, energy, and experience is finite.  At the end of the day, we all need to rest and recharge our batteries for the next day.  If we don’t eat, we don’t have energy to get through the day.  If we don’t rest, we get irritable and confused at best and, at worst, our bodies and minds become broken down.  If you are someone who is always on the go, I know it is difficult to comprehend making the shift to someone who allows for rest.  You might even think that rest is for lazy people.  Or maybe you’ve tried choosing to rest, but only end up feeling antsy.  Have faith; there is hope!

In the end, I think choosing to rest yields the same balance of activity and down-time as does going non-stop all the time, only to be knocked down for a week by the latest flu virus.  Why not thoughtfully choose restful moments, so that you can actually enjoy them without the headaches, sniffles, and body aches?  Making small changes now means that you can choose incremental shifts here and there…  Maybe taking a 5 minutes a day to center yourself.  Or 30 minutes on your day off to go outside and appreciate nature.  Whatever you find restful, make an effort this week to set aside some small amount of time to allow yourself to be still.  Your mind and sense of obligation might resist at first, but you, your coworkers, and loved ones will eventually grow to appreciate the rested and peaceful version of you.

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Three Reasons to Breathe Deeply

Posted in Mindful Mondays, Self Care on 07/19/2010 by Amber

Deep breathing is key to gaining mastery of our thoughts and feelings.  Why?  Because breathing is one of those things we usually do automatically, like so many other activities we engage in.  There are so many things we simply do on auto-pilot.  From our morning routines, to getting our work done during the day, even to interacting with others…  auto-pilot, lack of awareness, same old same old…  Why would anyone want to bring breath and consciousness into these everyday activities?

1)  When fully aware of the present moment, you can let go of worries and regrets.  The present moment is all you really have.
2)  Deep breathing helps you release the tension you might not even know you’re holding in your body.
3)  Taking the time to breathe can help you appreciate every experience, whether challenging or effortless, for the lessons they teach.

So now that you’re thinking this deep breathing thing might be something worth trying, how to go about getting past the distractions that keep you from doing it?  Here are four things to remember as you delve into your own breath:

1)  Check to see how you currently breathe.  Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly.  Is your chest doing all the work as you breathe?  If so, you are probably a chest breather.
2)  Keeping one hand on your chest and one on your belly, try to relax your belly muscles and begin using them to inhale and exhale more deeply.
3)  As you inhale, allow your belly to expand.  As you exhale, use your belly to gently push the air out of your lungs.  This may feel very awkward at first!
4)  As you notice your thoughts and feelings and internal sensations, keep focused on breathing slowly & thoughtfully.  The mind is an excellent creator of distractions, so it may require a stronger effort initially to stay aware of your breath.

Like most things, the more you practice, the easier this deep breathing process will become.  Eventually, it may even become your new auto-pilot, bringing with it greater stillness and focus in every moment.

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A Time to Heal

Posted in Mindful Mondays on 07/12/2010 by Amber

About three weeks ago, I injured my ankle playing tennis.  I knew well enough to use the combination of rest, ice, and elevation to decrease the swelling and allow it to heal.  I even got myself a neoprene brace to help keep my ankle stable.  But I jumped the gun a little and after a bit more than two weeks post-injury, I started walking around normally on my ankle.  It promptly swelled back up again and started hurting.  I went to the doctor just to make sure I hadn’t really messed it up.  There I received confirmation that I had not given my ankle enough time to fully heal.  Turns out that my ankle has a minor sprain and I would have done well to continue resting it.  Yet another reminder to slooooow doooowwwwwn…  It’s challenging to allow ourselves to be right where we are and love the present moment, so here is this week’s mindfulness tip to help you out:

1)  This takes the mindful walking concept a bit further.  When walking around this week, focus your attention on each step.
2)  Label each of your steps…  left… right… left… right… and make an effort to slow your pace
3)  Once you’ve settled into a slower rhythm, bring your attention to your breath
4)  Match your breath to your steps, at a rhythm that works for you, breathing in for an amount of steps that seems reasonable to you, then breathing out to the same number of steps
5)  Notice your thoughts and physical sensations as you practice this, remembering to release each observation without judgment

Wishing you a health-full week and plenty of time to rest!  Be well!

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